nokids

Three embryos were transferred into me - a speedy, painless but embarrassing procedure – think stirrups – need I say more. I did not get pregnant, But that was cool – I knew the stats and I knew my luck, and I still had one embryo left that had been frozen.

Slightly out of sync, my agency at last found me another temp job after a few weeks of my hanging about after the failed IVF transfer. During those few weeks, I was pondering how soon to have another go with the frozen embryo. I soon got over my disappointment and as soon as I felt fine and the clinic ok’d it, I started tanking up on the ole hormones again, in preparation for the transfer of my last embryo. I explained to my work that my plans had changed and I had to take another month off. They were somewhat taken aback – but I was a temp, so what could they do.

(I needed a clear work-free period to cope with the anxiety of going through it all again and for the time involved in going backwards and forwards in my 4 to 5 hour car journeys every time the clinic wanted to check my progress.)

The frozen embryo transfer went ahead without a hitch (an FET as they call it in the business) - and I got pregnant! Just as I had not been surprised before when I did not get pregnant, so I did not feel too surprised when I got pregnant this time – I was young (in my eyes), and healthy, I had always wanted to be pregnant – of course I would get pregnant!

I went back to work. My boss told me he only needed me for another 2 weeks – but I was a temp, so what could I do. The agency lined up another job for me – to start after a few weeks.

Then I started bleeding again.

Then I started crying again.

I went back to the clinic – the pregnancy had disappeared.

I was still recovering from this disappointment when I started my new job.

I got chatting to a colleague L who had started the same day as me. After a few weeks, L came to tell me some great news – she was pregnant! Please would I not tell anyone just yet – she wanted to wait until she was 3 months pregnant. I forced a smile to my face and congratulated her. Her due date was the same as mine would have been.

I never told anyone at that office what I had been through – I was too hurt, plus I have a life-time habit of keeping my personal life separate from my work life.

L went on maternity leave, and then she and her husband moved away, so she never came back to work. But about a year later, she paid a surprise visit to the office, to bring in her baby to show everyone. Lovely baby, smiles and chubby cheeks, and I got to hold her too! But later, I also got to weep in the toilets…